Our adventure.......becoming foster parents

I'm sure we will get questions as to how/why we have made this decision and it's also a very important part of our families history so I wanted to document it.

We had, of course, found out in October 2009 at 8 weeks that we had lost our baby. So I took the winter off to manage my health and emotions and we figured we would re-focus on expanding our family in the spring since the risk of me getting a lung infection that requires intervention is, fortunately right now always limited to Dec-Mar.

So it was spring and we transferred 2 very healthy perfect looking embryos in the spring. Everything was ‘perfect’ and I was just sure it would work. I had the best lining, best hormone levels, I was feeling great, my lungs were setting records and we had transferred two ‘perfect’ embryos. So, of course we had an unsuccessful cycle and I was very let down. It didn’t take too long though for my optimism to return. See originally, we had 11 frozen embryos and I was torn on what we would do with them all if we were unable to have as many children as would potentially result. So I was very hopeful that my prayers were going to be answered and we would end up getting pregnant on our last cycle and would not have to contemplate a 3^rd pregnancy (pregnancy was NOT fun or easy on me, though my lungs were fine). So, this left us with 3 embryos from the IVF cycle that Blessed us with Lillian and I was very hopeful that this was Gods way of answering my prayers.

By now it’s August and we’re starting our last cycle with the 3 remaining embryos. We decided to transfer all three at once. With our other three frozen embryo transfers we had only done two. With our fresh IVF cycle that resulted in Lillian’s pregnancy it looked like initially both that were transferred may have taken but the other one did not make it to 6 weeks. Needless to say we were hesitant to take the risk; it seems almost funny to think now about how hesitant we were and how we wondered if we would end up with triplets!

Obviously, that cycle did not work out; otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog I’d be writing perhaps a birth announcement. The child that we miscarried in October 2009 would now be 7 months old. The child(ren) from that last transfer would be preparing to enter the world in early spring.

I truly believe that if you get OUT of God’s way and step into the path he desires for you all things DO work together for your good. I believe that we see Gods greatest work when we are facing challenges. I believe it is our challenges and our weaknesses and our reaction to them that make us into who we are. This was a chance for me to practice my faith and not just ‘think’ about it. So, I had to take a step back. I focused on the two scriptures below among others.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)  ²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I reflected and thought and talked to Jared. Here’s where the story gets interesting…….

Back in March when we were trying to get pregnant for the first time after our miscarriage I changed my way of praying. Instead of praying to get pregnant, have a baby, etc I prayed something like this: “I don’t know what plans you have for us, you know our heart and home and know that we want to expand our family, show us how to do that Lord. You know we want more children and I don’t know if they are in our clinics freezer awaiting our transfer, in another country, waiting to be born in someone’s else’s womb or living in a home that’s not right for them but please show us what to do” I also went up at church and received prayer from and with multiple other people in this manner. Around this time Jared and I had talked about what we thought was in store for our family and what our options were. March came and went and we did not have success, it was after this, and after I had been praying fervently my newly focused prayer that Jared surprised me!

We were having another informal discussion on what the future might hold and after telling me again that we were a family no matter how big or small and reminding me of our Blessings he told me I should gather information on becoming foster parents. I couldn’t have been more surprised. Long before we had ever had Lillian I had my heart strings tugged by an article talking about the need for foster parents and had petitioned Jared. At the time he thought it was a really bad idea….he reminded me that we couldn’t watch a puppy without wanting to keep it and how we weren’t ready to be parents, wouldn’t be able to “give” a child up, and how I would loose my temper with the bio-parents and conditions the children had to endure. It was one of those times I had to admit he was right and that I was thinking solely with my heart. Over the subsequent years I had brought up fostering and adopting as we went through our different trials with infertility. Jared was resistant though never saying absolutely NO; but clearly it wasn’t something he wanted.

So, after ALL that time of wanting to pursue it and him not wanting to what was my response? In an odd twist of fate I wasn’t that excited. While I was excited that he had made the change and we talked about what had brought the change on (a number of ‘coincidences’ with movies, people, and stories etc we had seen recently were on the list but mostly it was just a change of heart). Anyway, I told him that I could only loose my sanity one way at a time and right now I had to focus on trying to be healthy and completing the last transfer; I didn’t want to just leave those embryos in limbo any longer. And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

Fast forward to July now. We had our transfer on 14Jul and about 9 days later I was pretty sure it hadn’t worked but I received confirmation of that on the 25July. Jared knew I was very upset and he was disappointed too. We had decided, before we even knew for sure it didn’t work, that we would take some time off to ‘think’ about things and look at all our options.

One morning just two days later we were driving in to work and Jared mentioned fostering again. I said that I had been thinking about it too and maybe I would give our friend Denise a call since her and her husband had done IVF and also been foster parents. I had no intention of calling Denise that day but as I sat in my office and my mind drifted away from work I decided I could use the camaraderie of someone who truly understood. I figured I’d find out how they went about deciding to become foster parents (they weren’t active at the time; she was soon to be due with their 2^nd IVF miracle and 3^rd child). Talking with Denise got me excited to consider fostering as a real potential opportunity and I felt a lot better. My plan had been to get an address or something to ‘write in’ to request just generic “So, you think you might want to be a foster parent” type pamphlet or whatever. Denise gave me a general information phone number to call, she said she had called and just asked for the packet to be sent to their house. The packet listed basic information and dates for their monthly information/orientation sessions which are again for non-binding information seekers. I called Jared and was pretty excited about it and he agreed I should give it a call because after all we weren’t making any decisions we were just gathering information…………………….Here’s where it gets more interesting.

During the phone call with Denise I had discovered that in addition to DHS (department of human services) that we could also choose to go through 3 different private agencies in this area. She had confirmed my suspicion that we would have an easier time going private since you get more 1:1 support though you don’t get ‘first dibs’ on kids like DHS does since they subcontract out their overflow per se to the private agencies. I decided to call Lutheran Social Services (LSS) who she had went through. When I dialed the ‘general information number’ that she had given me who do you suppose was answering the phone that day?...........the foster home licensing supervisor for the agency. I thought I had made a mistake and explained I was just looking for some general information. She informed me she just was answering the phone right then and she had time to chat if I did. Laura and I probably chatted for close to an hour, my heart felt like it was on a roller coaster and I knew right then in my heart of hearts, as surely as if someone had tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, that we were going to be foster parents.

I cannot explain how I knew, how I felt, or exactly what changed but I was sitting there, just three days after finding out our chances of being pregnant were not to be and I was more excited than I had been in a long, Long, LONG time! I couldn’t wait for Jared to pick me up and I gushed the entire time on the way to pick up Lillian. Things started moving quickly from there on out. After Jared and I had talked I called and talked to the agency a couple more times over the next week and we scheduled a visit to our home for the following week. The licensing supervisor said receiving calls from families like ours just makes her day, she was eager to get us on board. LSS decided to have someone come out to our house, do orientation, answer all our questions, and perform the first of two required home visits/inspections. That visit was 12Aug, on the 13 Aug we did our fingerprinting and home registry checks. Then it was time for the torturously long application and the state mandated 12 hours each of training. We completed all of these items by the end of October and had our last home visit in November. Our application was sent to the state in late November and now, closing on the end of 2010, we are pending their issuance of our license.

During that time between when I first placed the call to Denise and when we finished our training in October so many ‘coincidences’ happened that further confirmed and supported our decision. I felt as if we had been overlooking our destiny for a long time, I guess that’s what happens when you try to rely on your own understanding and make your own plans instead of listening to what God wants to have in store for you. It was at this time that scripture smacked me over the head with

James 1:27 (NIV) Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

And I then realized that there are other possibilities besides giving birth to your own children. I felt that we had been trying SO hard to ‘create’ children with the help of assistant reproductive processes and all the while there were children out there desperately needing someone to love them. We decided to pursue IVF before I adopted my current spiritual beliefs. I don’t regret doing IVF, how could I, look at what it gave us. However, it was after being baptized that I started to ‘wonder’ about things a bit more. I decided I was comfortable with the decision we had made and we had 11 potential children left from the frozen embryos so I had to do the right thing by giving them the potential they deserved so of course that was the right thing to do but I slowly began to realize that there were LOTS of ways the Psalm below could be fulfilled!

Psalm 113:9 (NIV) He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

There were so many items, starting with how I felt with the call to Denise, or the fact that Laura the licensing supervisor answered the phone and actually had time and desire to chat. Or how about the fact that we were placed in a county which we had been desiring but unable to move from for a long time, which just so happens to be the county in the worst shape in Michigan which also happens to be the state in the worst shape in the country…how about that? No, that doesn’t do it for you? How about when a fellow co-worker who had also battled infertility had the guts to email me after she found out about yet another foiled attempt at pregnancy to tell me she thought there aren’t many who would be good foster parents but that we would be? It takes a lot of guts to tell someone that, especially when you know they are desperately trying to have their ‘own’ baby…even more of a touchy subject in the world of infertility. This email was received just two days after we had made the first call to the foster agency.

Then there is couple who are prayer partners at church whom I asked for prayer for our family from who works in the system and talked to me and gave me advice. Or the reaction of Lillian; an only child who should be selfish and not want to share her things and her mom and dad, but couldn’t have responded more positively. Of my friend at work who used to foster years ago and ran into an old acquaintance and set me up to talk to her; this person was an invaluable source of knowledge as she had worked in the system for years but no longer did and was free to chat openly with me. Then there is the woman who I got to know at church that fosters with her husband and brought in two babies she had been placed with that I fell in love with.

I also was stunned to find out that my very own church, which I had hoped to get involved in supporting the drastically overburdened foster care system in our county, was already working with the system to try and get a program in place! There was a time when our pastor instructed us to determine a day and time to dedicate to prayer and then to put a prayer request on a card. Couples had committed to praying for all of the people that chose the correlating day/time. When instructed to do so I felt led to fill out the card about our plans and hopes to foster and was going to fill in the day/time that I knew friends of mine were doing…instead, I felt moved to fill in Saturday morning. When I went out after service to figure out who was praying over those requests I was ecstatic to find Elaine, a church friend who I had sought out and talked to about adopting as her family had adopted and she was very interested in our journey. Elaine and I were both very excited and moved at how it had worked; I know we have been covered and smothered in prayer since that time. I felt Gods hand on so many encounters, talks, and incidences that happened during this short time.

There was also the time, in the very beginning of our information gathering journey when I was sure enough about our plans that I decided to buy boys clothes while there were still yard sales going on. Because a friend of mine from church has 3 young boys close in age I decided to share our plans with her (she was the first!). When I showed up at her yard sale and we started talking and found out that we both had the same heart for fostering we got chills with the conversation we had. There was another couple at church that we met because their daughter and Lillian befriended one another, little did we know she was adopted and the shared their adoption story with Jared and I and we were both very moved….this was before we had even called the foster agency or our last pregnancy attempt had failed! 

This isn’t even everything, and doesn’t even mention how pain free the process which can really be a nightmare and has a very bad reputation ended up being. Nothing that is this big of a decision, this toiling of a process, and this involved EVER happens this easy unless it’s already been Blessed. That, my friends is my true belief and I am sticking to it!

The Mouse Story

Love this story and thought I would share. We recently shared this story at our growth group for church; it's called looking up and is for people with chronic illnesses or supporting others with chronic illnesses. I think the story is applicable for all of us, and in our quick, quick, quick culture something we dont always take the time to do.


Mouse Story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose" So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember --

when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

To do the right thing.And be all we can be with kindness & compassion.



--

"Hope is not optimism, which expects things to turn out well, but something rooted in the conviction that there is good worth working for."

Seamus Heaney

Lillian'isms

Lillian just cracks us up. For a couple months now I have been trying to figure out how to capture all of her humorous moments. Normally a big time for them is on the way home from pre-school and I'll be thinking abut how I have to jot it down but since I'm in the car and its a long drive I can rarely remember it long enough to write it down! I recently did capture one down and was wondering how to preserve them. Since my handwriting is terrible I prefer type. I think I will write them in notes in facebook and then every one in a while capture them here or print them all off. This way we can see how they develop over time.

Here is my recent capture:

Can I be in a parade and be a marching girl that swirls that thing and walks? Yeah I want to do that when I get bigger and be a doctor and fix people and yeah that stuff. And give stickers to little girls and yeah....that. You know what I am going to work when I grow up and my clients names will be Amber, can I name her? (Me-name who your client?) Yeah I want to name her Amber.

This conversation was particularly amusing to me. She combined talking about wanting to go to another parade for the 4th of July and hand stuff out with what she wants to be when she grows up and then since Daddy always has to go meet clients she added that in there too and for whatever unknown reason wants to name them Amber. Usually when she names baby dolls its Sara or Jasmine.

Then next on the list, also related to work. Mom when I go to school can you pack my lunch and some coffee too? Of course I declined to pack coffee like I do for daddy. She countered ok when I get older and go to work can you pack my coffee?

Lillian'isms

Lillian comments all within an hour:

I want to be a mommy so I can say if you can have juice or milk or water (she recently got a spanking over pushing the fact that SHE can make her own decisions its up to her and it was over this topic...go figure)

I'll tell you a story, once upon a time there was 3 monkeys up in a tree and then an alligator came up and *clap* got one now there's not three. (she sang this like the 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed song)

We saw a deer in the middle of the road so she proceeded with this line of reasoning:
I can pick him up and carry him where he needs to go
me: how will you know where he needs to go
I can talk to deers, you cant hear them only little girls who are eating blueberry pancakes (her at momment) and have long hair (her again) can, you cant your a mommie you're too big, I will ask him where he wants to go and carry him so he doesnt get hit by the cars (deer was in the road)


ah to be a kid again.......she always brings a smile to my face!

Birthday Comparison

Each year I like to do a comparison of Lillian in pictures from her birthdays. I find it so amazing to see the ways she has changed. Sometimes when I am looking through baby pictures from the very early days I find myself, already, not even remembering that stage which is sad. The stages we are enjoying now however are so fun, so wonderful, so marveling that I wouldnt trade it for the world. Each new thing she learns and each new stage she gets to I think to myself "ok now THIS is my favorite" but it keeps getting better......I have heard that will end one of these days, by the double digits.....if not sooner so I am counting my blessings!

Without further ado here is my last years review in pictures: http://jnhfamilyblog.blogspot.com/2008/12/year-in-pictures.html

Surprised birthday girl just getting a look at her princess room!

 January sledding

 Valentine's dinner with Great Grandma Jan

3 generation picuture at my baptism breakfast.

 visiting with one of her favorite people in April

 getting ready for her first canoe trip, she was not a fan

 her and Taryn had so much fun on that swing

at a park in Indiana

 time with grandma and grandpa H

 her first manicure as part of a mommy daughter day--she was a bit pleased

 witch Lillian

 Lillian loves the christening gown Grandma Donna made, she thinks she looks like an angel or a princess

Visit with Santa

Frugal family Fun

So recently we upped our weekly allowance for 'entertainment' to $25.....which is becoming really big spenders since we started at zero, then upped it to $10, and just recently after almost two years to $25. For those not familiar with our budget system we use envelopes and we have set amount for each category and we pull out the money each week and put it into the respective envelopes. We have envelopes for clothing, entertainment, gifts, food, and Jared and I each get spending money. We have a sinking savings account/envelope system for house and car money for repairs and maintenance items.

Anyway on to the point of the story. I wanted to make sure Jared and I were still taking the time to go out on dates since we have neglected that for a while and thus the increase, we are trying to do an adult only date once per month. This past weekend though we had a nice family weekend and had alot of fun for $25.

First on saturday was the air zoo. General admission is free and Jared already has a yearly pass. So we paid for Lillian and I to get the Jr.Co-Pilot ride pass for $7 each. We also took my niece and nephew who turns 5 in a few days (this was out of the gift fund for those interested since it was for his birthday LOL) and met some friends and their son. Then we went out to dinner with a gift certificate we had gotten for Christmas and ended up owing $10 which came out of the grocery fund because every once in a while we get crazy frivalous with the budget LOL.

Sunday Lillian and I went to church while Jared went to a clients house to earn a bit more money to go towards our debt snowball! After church we went tubing at a park her that requests a $1 donation per person. We had alot of fun that was $3 well spent, we will definately go again I cant believe I didnt know about it before. After tubing we grabbed a $6 hot and ready pizza for Jared and Lillian and stopped by the library for a free movie rental. What better way to warm up than pizza and a movie.......of course tubing was hard work so I am pretty sure we were all sweaty by that point.

So all in all we had $14+3+6=$23 plus to be fair we spent $14 out of the gift fund and $10 from grocery.......still a winning weekend in my book-----and our pocket book!

Dr. Lillian

Lillian latest claim is that she wants to be a doctor but only after she goes to little girl school and then big girl school and goes to college and plays and is a princess too......oh and dont forget wanting to be an animal doctor LOL.

She has been wanting to play doctor alot and she uses little scraps of paper or whatever she finds around imrpovising. I told her she could save up money to buy a kit and she agreed she wanted to. As she was again pretending and I thought about it I realized those little kits are 10-20 dollars for junk when we have plenty of realistic stuff around here. I had just received a stethoscope in the mail that I had ordered because I wanted to try listening to my own lungs for signs of problems brewing. I asked her if she wanted to make one out of some stuff and she was very excited.

So her 'official' kit contents for now are:
box of bandaids, nasal spray, bottle of homeopathic teething tablets (all empty)
gauze pad & an ace bandage
medicine droppers and cups
and empty plastic syringe that just had saline in it
the plastic part of an inhaler without medicine cylinder
a little device you breathe into that I no longer use for treatments
and of course the stethoscope

She has all her accessories in a little zip up bag and carries it around with her stethoscope its too cute. I have two roles that I have to pretend I either get to be the broken girl or the sick girl! She uses her stethoscope to listen to everything from your head to your ankle and then normally you have to drink 'really yucky medicine' and get a shot that will 'only hurt a little bit'.

This morning I got to be the sick girl so I decided to act like I was afraid of the doctor and I told her that she had to explain everything to me so I wouldnt be scared. I was very impressed with her logic when it came time for me to blow into the little breathing treatment thing. She said "you need to this so you can get more air in and you will feel better" which is such a good thought pattern for her little age I thought. I dont believe its because of my lung disease or treatments because we never talk about that stuff just that I have to do my medicine so I dont get sick. Sometimes I forget that all this pretend play can actually teach them something.

RAOK's

One of my goals for the new year was to do a random act of kindness per month. I said some would be small, some may be big, some I would share and some I would not. I feel that you dilute the full benefits of your RAOK by 'telling' about it if you are doing it in a way to show off which I am not and is why I am not going to tell everythign all the time. I do think it is so fun to help others and hope that by blogging about it others may want to join me in doing some RAOK and starting a ripple effect.


I will always try to post one that doesnt cost money because usually those are the best ones. Maybe I will do one of each per month.


February

Tonight I did a really fun RAOK. It was our first night of a growth group for church called Looking Up that another lady and I started it is for people dealing with chronic illnesses or supporting others who are. It was a small group and one guy came in looking to be in so much pain and he was talking softly and said he apologized but at the next group he would be a 180degree different and more up to talking. He said he had been without his neurontin for his epilepsy and his lyrica for his fibromyalgia for almost two days and would be out until saturday because of some insurance snafu's. They have no money at all, living with friends, disabled, older, etc. After the group I offered to drive to the pharmacy with him and buy him two days worth of medication. So I am going to rest easy tonight knowing that he wont have a seizure and can hopefully get a bit of sleep.


January

I paid for the couple behind me's sandwich and soup at subway......they were so cute how could I not?

I saw my neighbors garage door was up and went to put it down for her and check on her since all her lights were on and found her (100 years old) wrestling with her back door. She could not get it open because of the weather it was sort of 'stuck' and her son was coming in to town at midnight, her plan if she couldnt get the door open was to stay up waiting for him. She was so worried she would be a mess the next day or fall asleep and have him locked out. I was so happy I decided to go over there.

Bendaroooooooooooo

Lillian has been asking for bendaroo's for about forever. Must be from commercials at daycare or maybe one of the kids talking about them. A long time ago I bought assorted pack pipe cleaners and she decided those were bendaroos which I was more than happy to let her assume. Every time we go to walgreens she sees the 'real deal' and asks for them though. Well Grandma Becky with her 'crazy gift insight' that she always seems to have got Lillian bendaroos--the real deal not Mom's cheap pipe cleaners for crafts LOL. We are oh, so, not a talented artistic family......don't take my word for it here's the proof.....but it was fun.

What you can't tell what they are...shame on you...there is the dragonfly, the birdcage with a yellow and pink bird in it (since smashed by Lillian), the candy cane which Lillian has put on the tree so it can 'be a real one', assorted rings, and the lollipop----oddly none of the artists are claiming their creations and prefer to be anonymous *grins*.

Nicole's 2009 Year In Review

For me not just having 'a' resolution but a plan for the direction I want and goals are better. Checking in regularly helped too via my 'groundhog resolution' plan of checking in each month on 1/1, 2/2 etc. Overall I am very pleased with myself, this is probably the best I have ever done.

2009 Overall Goals:

Maintain my lungs - Improved actually *clapping*

get in better shape - so so, some parts yes, some parts no

Read more - I completed 16 non-fiction books

Be a better wife - Have definately come a long way

Find a church - Joined, baptized & involved

Read at least some of my new bible - Read New testament & portions of Old

2009 Health Specific Goals:

Up my workout routine to 5 days - not there yet

Start jogging again (with my Knees permission) - tons of problems they declined permission

Be evaluated for Tiger-2 clinical trial drug study- done (decided it was a no-go)

Improve my nebulzer routine using hyper tonic saline & add more airway clearance - done

More efficient & compliant way to wash/sanitize my nebulizers (since I use 6-8 a day)- done

buy masks for cleaning, dusting, etc - done (need to use them ALL the time though)

buy allergen bedding and pillows - done (need new covers dont like the old ones)

Start eliminating alot scented products - done (well with what is reasonable)